Being a woman in today’s world is not easy.

It’s as if you’re writing an exam and everyone keeps changing the marking scheme.

Be beautiful, but don’t be vain.

Be ambitious but not intimidating.

Be soft, but not weak.

Be independent, but don’t pretend you don’t need a man.

Get married, but do not rush.

Have children, but do not lose yourself.

Age gracefully, but do not appear old.

Have a career, but do not neglect your home.

Have standards, but don’t be too picky.

Good Lord!!!!!

Can a woman please breathe?

Could we? 

Everywhere you look, there is a single standard waiting to measure you in every way.

Even “soft life” has become a competition.

Previously, soft life meant peace.

People will question your enjoyment of life if your soft life does not include business class, the Maldives, a Chanel bag, and someone’s son funding your iced coffee habit.

And if you are not careful, all of these expectations will enter your spirit and begin to tell you that you are falling behind and not doing enough. 

Your self-esteem is not destroyed in one day. Most times, it is the small daily habits, and I’ll tell you five of them.

5 Quiet Habits That Destroy Your Self-Esteem as a Woman

1. Comparing Yourself To Other Women

Comparison is one of the most effective ways to turn your own life into a punishment because it does more than just show you what another person has. Comparison is one of the fastest ways to turn your own life into a punishment because comparison does not just show you what another person has.

It makes you resent what you have. And social media has exacerbated the problem by exposing us to too many people’s lives at once.

Previously, you could only compare yourself to your neighbor, cousin, classmate, or the girl at church who always seemed to have her life together.

In one afternoon, you can compare yourself to a woman in Dubai, a woman in Atlanta, a woman in London, a woman in Lagos, a 23-year-old millionaire, a newly engaged influencer, a stay-at-home mom with flawless skin, and a fitness babe who only gave birth yesterday but already has abs.

How will your brain rest?

To believe that society thrives on comparison. That is why we keep lists for everything. To think society thrives on comparison. That is why we have lists for everything.

Women are often regarded as the richest, most beautiful, and best dressed. They may also be the youngest or first to accomplish something.

It is not always wrong to celebrate accomplishments, but if you lack a strong sense of self, you will begin to see each list as evidence that you are failing.

You are not failing because another woman has won.

Please write it somewhere.

You can admire without feeling inadequate.

There will always be someone who is wealthier, better, smarter, younger, more successful, more connected, more stylish, more confident, more visible, and more celebrated than you.

So, what will you do now? So what will you now do?

Spend your entire life competing with others?

No. 

You must eventually return to your true self.

Face your lane and water your own garden because comparing yourself to other women destroys the woman you are becoming.

2. Allowing social media to determine your worth

Social media is sweet until it starts to aggravate your insecurity.

Social media isn’t entirely bad. Heck, I met my husband through Facebook.

So, social media has brought people together, helped businesses grow, given ordinary people a voice, and literally opened doors that would have remained closed if not for visibility.

Social media is not the devil, but it can become dangerous if you use it as a reflection of your self-esteem.

For example, you post a photo, and it receives a lot of likes. You’re feeling pretty.

You post another one, but no one responds. You suddenly find yourself questioning your face.

“Wasn’t the picture fine?”

“Did I look somehow?”

“Are they tired of me?”

“Should I delete that?”

“My caption did not make sense?”

A complete daughter of God, reduced to analytics. A whole daughter of God, reduced to analytics.

It is natural for a human to feel this way. Nobody posts because they dislike engagement.

Let us not lie and remain unconcerned.

It feels good when people interact with your content, but when your mood fluctuates based on how others react to you online, you lose control of your self-esteem.

You’ve turned it over to algorithms and people who are also attempting to figure out their own lives.

Use social media to connect, inspire, learn, laugh, and do business.

But don’t let it control your self-esteem.

3. Talking Down on Yourself

Some women don’t even need enemies because they already communicate with themselves.

I understand that sounds harsh, but it is true.

You look in the mirror and notice something wrong with your body. 

For me, it’s my flabby belly that has carried two lovely children.

Someone compliments you, and instead of saying thank you, you begin to negotiate with the compliment.

“You look gorgeous.”

“Oh, no. It’s a filter.”

“Your skin glows.”

“Glowing where? Can’t you see my breakouts?”

Why are you fighting people who want to love on you?Why are you fighting people who are trying to love on you?

There’s a distinction between humility and self-rejection.

Humility says “Thank you.” “I am grateful.”

Low self-esteem says, “No, don’t give me too much praise before you realize I’m not that special.”

We sometimes disguise self-criticism as “being realistic.”

No, baby. You’re not being realistic. You’re being mean to yourself.

It is completely unrealistic to insult your body every morning.

You do not need to be perfect to be valuable.

Clean up your self-talk because some of it stinks of wickedness.

And you deserve kinder words from yourself.

4. Defining Yourself Through Your Past Mistakes

Every adult has a history. Some people simply have better PR.

That’s the truth.

If people were honest, you’d find that almost everyone has done something they regret. 

So you are not the only person with a past.

You are the only one still punishing yourself for it.

One habit that quietly destroys self-esteem is identifying with your past.

Your past may explain some aspects of your personality, but it does not define you completely.

Don’t dwell on the past; instead, learn from it.

5. Staying in Relationships That Steal Your Self-Worth

The wrong relationship can cause you to forget yourself, and I’m not just talking about romantic relationships.

My friend once worked with a toxic boss in a law firm, and I watched her normally confident friend turn into a shadow of herself. 

It was heartbreaking for me to go from being able to speak up to being unable to do so. 

Her self-esteem plummeted, and I couldn’t take it. 

I told her to quit and promised to help her financially. 

There was no job worth her self-esteem. 

Thankfully, she quit and is back to her confident self. 

I told you that any relationship, not just romantic ones, can be lethal to your self-esteem. 

A bad friendship, a toxic family relationship, a stressful situation, a jealous coworker, or a verbally abusive partner can all do it.

Even a church group can make you feel like you’re doing too much.

There are people who do not love you; they will tolerate you as long as you are small enough for them to be comfortable.

When you start growing, glowing, setting boundaries, dressing better, earning more, and speaking up, they begin to act.

And if you are not careful, you will begin to shrink in order to maintain access to people who are dedicated to misunderstanding and keeping you small.

This is how your self-esteem begins to leak.

Surround yourself with people who inspire you.

People who correct you without crushing you and who celebrate you without competing against you.

Your self-esteem is not something you can protect once and then forget about.

It’s something you have to guard on a daily basis because many things will put it to the test. Life, people, social media, relationships, and your own thoughts. 

If you are not intentional, you will wake up one day and realize you have been living as a guest in your own body, asking others for permission to feel beautiful, worthy, successful, and sufficient.

You can’t give that much power away.