Marriage counseling can help struggling marriages. Marriage counseling can save struggling marriages.

We know this, and research supports it. 

So, why are so many husbands refusing to go?

Why would a man watch his marriage deteriorate, his wife pleading for help, and then dig in his heels and say no?

It’s one of the most frustrating positions a wife can be in: knowing that help is available but being unable to persuade her husband to take that step alongside her.

Men who refuse therapy have some characteristics in common, and understanding what’s driving their resistance may not change their minds, but you’ll know what you’re up against.

Husbands Who Refuse to Go to Therapy Have These 6 Things in Common

1. They believe that marriage problems should be kept private, not shared with strangers

Do you know how men don’t go to the doctor until something is seriously wrong?

It’s so frustrating because you’d think they’d take their health seriously.

I usually schedule flu vaccine appointments for my family.

Left to my husband, it’s no big deal until winter arrives and everyone is sick and miserable.

That is exactly how many men see therapy.

They don’t understand the value of preventative care, whether for physical or relationship health.

When you suggest marriage counseling, they act as if you’re asking them to air their dirty laundry in front of a complete stranger.

“What happens in our marriage remains between us.”

“We can handle this without involving outsiders.”

Blah blah blah!

They believe that going to therapy means admitting to the world that your marriage is broken.

Therapy is not about airing dirty laundry; it is simply seeking professional assistance to deal with problems that you cannot solve on your own.

You wouldn’t try to fix a broken leg on your own because you don’t want strangers to know you broke it.

You would visit a doctor because that is what you do when you require expertise that you do not possess.

Marriage works the same way.

Sometimes you need someone trained in relationships to help you see patterns that you’re both too close to notice.

However, many husbands remain stuck in the belief that marital problems should be kept private.

2. They are terrified of being “Ganged Up On” by you and the therapist

So “The Upshaws” is one of my favorite comedy series, and I plan on rewatching it.

In one episode, Bennie (Mike Epps) and Regina (Kim Fields) attend marriage counseling. Bennie believes the therapist will favor Regina and portray him as the villain.

Some men are not afraid of therapy; they are afraid that it will be two against one.

You and the therapist work together to tell him everything he’s doing wrong while he sits there defending himself for an hour.

Therapy is often viewed as a courtroom scenario, with the therapist acting as the judge and the client as the defendant.

Nobody wants to enter a situation in which they feel ambushed.

That’s not how good therapy works. 

A good therapist does not choose sides. They’re there to help you understand each other’s points of view and collaborate to find solutions.

They’re not an ally against your husband; rather, they’re a neutral third party attempting to help both of you.

3. They Grew Up in a Culture/Family Where Therapy Was Stigmatized

We underestimate how much our upbringing influences our perspectives on issues like therapy.

If a man grew up in a home where family business was kept within the family and seeking help was viewed as weak, he will carry those beliefs into his marriage.

Even though he understands intellectually that therapy can help, emotionally he hears his father’s voice saying, “We don’t need strangers in our business,” or his mother saying, “Just pray about it and move on.”

This is especially true in cultures and communities where therapy is deeply stigmatized.

In many African, Asian, and even traditional Western households, sitting down with a stranger to discuss your problems is considered inappropriate or even shameful.

I’m Nigerian, and I grew up in a culture where therapy was rarely discussed.

You have prayed, spoken with your pastor, and confided in a trusted family member or friend, but what about therapy? nah

That was for individuals with “serious problems.”

So, even though I now support therapy and recognize its value, I had to unlearn many of the stigmas myself.

4. They think you’re overreacting and making the problems worse than they are

A husband who refuses to go to therapy is the one who thinks the other is making a big deal out of nothing. No one thinks the other is making a mountain out of a molehill more than a husband who doesn’t want to go to therapy.

In his opinion, the marriage is fine, or at least acceptable.

Yes, there are issues. But don’t all marriages have issues?

Why do you have to make such a big deal out of everyday relationship issues?

This is one of the most frustrating reasons men refuse therapy: they do not believe their problems are serious enough to warrant professional help. 

Arrrghhh

You feel like your marriage is sinking, and he acts as if you’re freaking out over a small amount of water in the boat.

If one person in the marriage believes that things are bad enough to require assistance, then things are bad enough.

You do not wait until the entire house is on fire before calling the fire department.

You call when you notice smoke.

5. They Do Not Want to Be Told They Are Wrong or Need to Change

Some men are aware that what they are doing is wrong, but they hope you will accept it rather than forcing them to change.

They aren’t oblivious or confused.

They understand how their behavior affects you, but they don’t want to deal with the discomfort of change.

Therapy means that someone with credentials and professional expertise will tell them what you’ve been telling them all along: they need to change.

Consider what that means for men who have built their entire identity around being right.

Exactly.

So, rather than dealing with the discomfort, he refuses therapy altogether.

Because as long as he doesn’t go, he can keep telling himself that you’re just being difficult, and if you just stop nagging, everything will be fine.

6. They believe that “real men” solve problems for themselves

Okay, real man, how are things going for you?

Because, from where I sit, “handling it on your own” looks a lot like watching your marriage crumble while you do nothing.

But, yes, keep telling yourself that asking for help is weak.

This is one of the most toxic beliefs that men hold: that asking for help is unmasculine and that strength entails figuring everything out on your own.

It’s ridiculous, but it’s deeply ingrained nonsense that destroys marriages every day.

These same men will call a plumber if their pipes burst or their car breaks down, but they will not recommend therapy for a troubled marriage.

Oh, that’s different.

It doesn’t make sense.

Real men do not have to do everything on their own.

Real men are smart enough to recognize when they require assistance and confident enough to ask for it.

The people who refuse are not strong; they are simply stubborn, and stubbornness has never saved a marriage.

When men realize the gravity of the situation, they eventually come around and agree to go to therapy.

However, some never do. They’d rather end the marriage than admit they need help.

You cannot force your husband to go to therapy.

However, you can choose what you’re willing to accept in your marriage.